Getting Serious About Things Now.

I was thinking about things.

And then my mind jumped to my issues.

I wanted to make a positively negative reinforcement upon this.

Coming from me, because I know about this kinda stuff, do not go so hard on yourself that you snap in half.

I have been to that point in my life... I am still there.

There is a point where, in some people, like me, you get so down on yourself, and push yourself so far, that you just fall, flat on your face. And you break down inside. And you just kinda blowup, but you end up dying in the end. You never want to wake up and let people see your face, you just want to die. That's all you want. You just want people to leave you alone so you can focus on yourself. You want nobody in your life. You get so depressed and sad, that you start to get sick of yourself, and sick in the mind, not to mention, sick with a bad sickness. You start to hate yourself. You start not to care.

Please, do not get to this point. It is such a bad time. And there are things I wish I could say on here, that I can't. Because I fear for my personal life to be honest, and I have no intentions on ever bringing up the really dark days that I am going through now, but this is to give you good advice.

I have been so hard on myself. The guilt is overwhelming. I do feel like dying some days. And this feels good to let it out. Writing is partially my therapy. I never want to wakeup and let people see my face, because I feel horrible, and gross, and sad, and I just want to sleep and never open my eyes.

When I see myself in the mirror, I look at such a happy face.

Such a dull, fake smile planted on my lips. The bags under my eyes make people wonder if I'm a drug addict, or if I'm getting enough sleep. My body is hidden under clothing that can conceal my un-liked body. I don't want people to see me the way I look naturally. I feel ugly and sad sometimes, just like everyone. My dark days are horrifying, I have resulted in self-mutilation, And I try to never go there again. I see things that I can't always explain, and it scares me. I'm paranoid. I need some sort of makeup every day. My mood changes so quickly I can't always decide weather I'm happy or sad. Sometimes it takes weeks for my mood to change. I'm going into a very bad, depressed mood. I feel sick with embarrassment. I feel guilty with fake surroundings. I feel fake. I feel horrible.