Hello :)

Sorry I haven't blogged in literally, forever.

I wanted to make this blog "dedicated" to a big issue over the internet, I suppose you can already guess what it is.

Cyber-bullying, hate, coming across computer screens?

To broadcast yourself into such a huge world, to let people into your life, wether they know a lot about you or they don't know anything, it's a pit of hateful remarks, and such vulgar, even obscene comments, that's what you get.

But you have to remember that the criticism is one thing, and then there's bullshit that happens, where people start problems.

How do you tell them apart?

Criticism/advice would be something like this - "I'm not too crazy about this. I think you should have changed _____________" - That's someone's personal opinion/preference.

Bullshit hate would be NOTHING like that, it's more like - "GOD YOU F****** SUCK! get a life, that was a waste of my time. go die." - I'm sure you've all seen those before.

This is to the stupid people that put up ridiculous "arguments" on the internet.

If you don't have a substantial argument to put up, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Why are you even wasting your breath. Just because you don't like something, doesn't mean you should tell people to "go die." And you're advising that they get help for THEIR problems?

You seem ignorant, and blatantly stupid. First off, learn how to argue, and secondly, why don't you get help yourself, there's obviously something wrong.

Love to the people with actual taste and intelligence - don't listen to those dumbshits.

Listen here.

I have a little rant to go on about.

Do NOT tell me to not complain on here. This is MY blog. If I'd like to "make a dumbass" of myself, then let me. Let me do it, should you care? Now, granted, you're aloud to hate my blog, dislike my talk, you don't HAVE to like my blog, you can share your opinions, I honestly like to hear them. But this is my blog, and I sometimes have things that I need to say, because if I keep those thoughts and problems inside me, then there's a BIG issue, and that's just the way it is with me. Feel free to tell me what you think, just don't be unreasonable and tell me that I "suck ass" that "I'm pathetic", cause then, it's not my problem, it's yours. :) Ya dig?

Random Writing.

i hate my mother for doing this to me. for making me so angry and hurt. i have never felt so betrayed by anyone before, ever. i hate her for making me hate her. i love her, but i hate her. i want her to stop blaming others for the fault of hers, how she's made me and is STILL making me so sad and angry inside. i think i want to live with my dad and lisa. i hate having to deal with being so sad all the time. i've done things that i can honestly say i regret, i want something different.

After hand, I'd like to apologize for no-capitalization, really un-professional! Also, this might sound weird, but it would make me robotic, and it would start to form into a story, which is surprisingly, NOT what I want! I'm doing free writing, so I can clear my mind easily.

Hello.

I'm doing better, but I'm still pretty down.

My friends are helping a lot, but school is making things a lot harder. I really am not liking some of my teachers, they're too expectant, when honestly, I'm really being as smart as I can! People annoy me, especially overly-expectant ones, and pushy people, and overly-optimistic people.

Debby - downer much? I think sooooo! :)

Find what makes it easy.

What is it that makes your life so easy?

What is your escape?

How do you get away from the problems?

I fight, right then and there, and I say whatever I want, not giving a shit about what the person thinks about me.

The people who run away are pathetic, wimpy.

Can't fight for themselves, have to run away from the problem because they can't take it.

I used to think being suicidal was really wimpy, like you were just running away from the problem, and, in a way, you are.

Until I started self mutilation, and I would hate to become a hypocrite.

But let me tell you a little something about cutting, or whatever self mutilation you're doing, it's ADDICTIVE.

Once you start, it's a ritual, that you can't control. I have 16 scars on my wrist, and when I stopped at 8 for a while, I promised that I would NEVER touch a blade again. Boy, was I wrong.

It was one day, and I just went crazy. I just couldn't find anything else.

So I cut again, and after, the pain was gone.

It's horrifying to imagine, and I never thought I would cut, but it's difficult, don't get into self mutilation, it's a tough thing to get out of.

Sickk... :(

I stayed home today due to almost puking a couple of times, and because of my dear, hahahahahaha, low blood sugar.

All day I was home, and always felt like I was going to faint, or puke.

Apparently food has become my "enemy" and I haven't been eating enough, so if I eat even a NORMAL portion of food, I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Take care of yourselves, people, don't develop a fear of food.

This probably wont make sense to you...

I want to admit that perfection is impossible, but I want so hard to also be perfect. And if perfect isn't real, why do we say "practice makes perfect" if perfect is a lie.

I want to be perfect. I want to be able to look in the mirror and say "hey, you're PERFECT."

Perfection is something everyone has dreamed of, so what is perfection if no one can accomplish it? Is it loving the way you are, and being the way YOU ARE, that makes people perfect? Or is it the logical side, where it comes down to (long story short), the fact that all human beings have a different image of perfection in their mind, so we all think different things are perfect? So what is perfection? If every "perfection" is different, what the hell is it?!

Anyone care to share what they think perfection is? What their image of perfection is? Is perfection something ANYONE or ANYTHING can accomplish?

What's going on?

So, my mood is horrid.

I have a bad cuticle that needs to be fixed, and I was using nail polish remover a couple minutes ago, and it really stung. :( Lol

So, today was weird. After school I hung out with a friend I've had since 3rd grade. :) We went to the park, and then over to the Pier, and I started to feel like I was gonna puke, and then faint, so I went home, and exercised and showered, and I feel fine. :) Maybe a little faint, but ok. I'm listening to depressing music since I'm in a sad mind set. I almost started crying during class today. It was fun being happy while it lasted, but it will come again. For now, I'm just having a hard time. :(

I need to be honest.

I want to be able to wake up one day, and not feel like dying.

I want you to realize that I pretend I dialed the wrong number, just to hear your voice.

I look in the mirror, and pull up my shirt to measure my stomach with a measuring tape to see if I've lost a few inches around.

Sometimes, I sit in my room when I'm sad, or when we get in an argument, and wonder which knife I should use.

Other times, I take my necklace and use it as a way to communicate with Jimmy, just to see if he's forgiven me for whatever I've done.

I try to use fake tattoos to cover all the 8 scars on my inner wrist.

I pretended that the mirror fell on my hand, so no one would actually know that I punched it.

I say that I'm crying because I miss someone far away, to cover up the fact that I'm crying because of the fight I had with my mom.

Sometimes I want to fake my own death, just to see who comes to the funeral, and if they care.

Vintage Box?!

So this is my vintage box.

Guess how much I payed for this piece of shit?

5 bucks. Yes, I am money obsessive, but it was RIGHT THERE.

5 bucks for a fricken' awesome box?! Sounds good to me. :)

I would've spent it on a cupcake or something else if I hadn't bought this anyways. So, why not?

Plus, it's great for jewelry or maybe even makeup storage, I'll probably put my lipsticks in this, since I already have a jewelry box. :)

What's the whole Vintage Barbies Obsession going on?

So, you might as well be wondering, why is my name VintageBarbies?

I am obsessed with anything vintage. And I'm obsessed with Barbies.

So put that to your thinking, and take your wildest guess. ;D

So, why not thing of Vintage Barbies, I mean, they make them, am I incorrect?

I am in love with them, and I will definitely make some other cool, new layouts that say Vintage Barbies on them, maybe even including some pics of them. ;)

Getting Serious About Things Now.

I was thinking about things.

And then my mind jumped to my issues.

I wanted to make a positively negative reinforcement upon this.

Coming from me, because I know about this kinda stuff, do not go so hard on yourself that you snap in half.

I have been to that point in my life... I am still there.

There is a point where, in some people, like me, you get so down on yourself, and push yourself so far, that you just fall, flat on your face. And you break down inside. And you just kinda blowup, but you end up dying in the end. You never want to wake up and let people see your face, you just want to die. That's all you want. You just want people to leave you alone so you can focus on yourself. You want nobody in your life. You get so depressed and sad, that you start to get sick of yourself, and sick in the mind, not to mention, sick with a bad sickness. You start to hate yourself. You start not to care.

Please, do not get to this point. It is such a bad time. And there are things I wish I could say on here, that I can't. Because I fear for my personal life to be honest, and I have no intentions on ever bringing up the really dark days that I am going through now, but this is to give you good advice.

I have been so hard on myself. The guilt is overwhelming. I do feel like dying some days. And this feels good to let it out. Writing is partially my therapy. I never want to wakeup and let people see my face, because I feel horrible, and gross, and sad, and I just want to sleep and never open my eyes.

When I see myself in the mirror, I look at such a happy face.

Such a dull, fake smile planted on my lips. The bags under my eyes make people wonder if I'm a drug addict, or if I'm getting enough sleep. My body is hidden under clothing that can conceal my un-liked body. I don't want people to see me the way I look naturally. I feel ugly and sad sometimes, just like everyone. My dark days are horrifying, I have resulted in self-mutilation, And I try to never go there again. I see things that I can't always explain, and it scares me. I'm paranoid. I need some sort of makeup every day. My mood changes so quickly I can't always decide weather I'm happy or sad. Sometimes it takes weeks for my mood to change. I'm going into a very bad, depressed mood. I feel sick with embarrassment. I feel guilty with fake surroundings. I feel fake. I feel horrible.

MY OBSESSION. :)

I have a sick obsession.

It's very bad.

I KNOW I HAVE TO ADMIT TO THE FACT, THAT I AM OBSESSED WITH... CUPCAKES!

Yes, the wonderful little iced delights, those fattening, frosted, delicious, rounds of batter, that sit in cute little cups made of thin paper. Sometimes they have designs on them, other times they're plain and solid. Either way, it's what's wrapped IN the paper, that matters. ;D

THE CUPCAKE. It's SO HARD TO RESIST. I have no CLUE how to stop. CUPCAKES ARE MAH THANNNGG. :D